I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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