you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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