Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
