Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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