in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
