you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
