There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
