You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
