doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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