Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
