I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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