I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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