I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
