Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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