why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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