i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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