He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
