Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
