drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
