when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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