Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
