If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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