just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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