I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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