screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
