New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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