The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
