maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
