I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Randomize