he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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