I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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