haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
