Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
