i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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