They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
