I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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