I will die if light touches me.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
