i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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