i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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