watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
