if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
