WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
