I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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