i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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