i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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