My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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