just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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