I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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