My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize