If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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