DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
