I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
There's always time for handjobs
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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