oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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