JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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