Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I met the friendliest cop last night
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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