Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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