this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
