I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
