i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
