I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
