The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
